I've started wondering if I'm having a crisis of the self or the soul, or whatever term you prefer. I wonder if all this is worth it. In many ways, I'm on top of my game at work. I have over 4 million in external grants which is unheard of in my dept. and in many sociology departments for that matter, have 10 graduate research assistants and 5 undergrad research assistant working with me this year on the different projects, and I like my department and colleagues. And, most of this research has the potential to really positively impact people's lives. This is all great!
So, why do I think I'm having this crisis? I wish I had definitive answers. I think part of it is that with all this greatness in terms of work comes a lot of stress. I'm juggling multiple large scale projects that involve multiple people. I feel like I'm running a small corporation at times. And, the newest of the grants, which has such huge potential to positively impact a school system, is the biggest stressor of all. I sometimes wonder if I should just tell the funding agency to take the money back. I don't know that the school system appreciates any of the hard work that we are doing. In fact, I had an out of the blue email from a key administrative person in the school system last week, basically questioning what we were doing. I just don't get it. I know they are under lots of pressures too but they have been involved in this process from the beginning when we started writing the grant proposal.
Graduate school nor my post doc ever prepared me for dealing with the administrative BS that you have to deal with in research, whether it is organizations you're working with or your own university administration.
I don't know what the answer is in terms of resolving this crisis that makes my mind churn at night when trying to sleep and most other time too. If others have advice, please feel free to share. Thanks.
15 years ago
2 comments:
Not quite on your academic level but, boy, have I been there. Wondering why you work so hard to impact something when you feel they get nothing out of it--you do it because YOU know it is right, that it IS making a difference and that in the long run, it isn't about the administration--it is about the benefactors who have no knowledge that you are working so hard. Keep up the good work and pat yourself on the back. You are stepping in the right direction whether you feel like it or not;-).
You're somewhere i hope I never get to. Not the crisis. Been there, but that many peeps to worry about WITH the concomitant paperwork :)
I'm making sure that all my future grants have $ in for administrators to manage them or I won't bother. The existing admin doesn't get it and doesn't care, I bet.
Perhaps you moved a bit fast, and the thing at your phase is to pace yourself. Spread it out. Lock in more time for yourself.
If your joy comes from the teaching, mentoring, constructing new understandings, helping peeps, then do what gives you the joy and focus the admin bs around that. Admin's a joy to deal with when it will give you the power to do what you think is important. Cause in the end, when you look at yourself in the mirror, you have to be able to say "wow, today was a total pain, but worth it cause I did something that was important to me!"
Your stuff is great. And I just realized I gotta get my ass back in gear re: AoIR and our proposals.
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