I've started wondering if I'm having a crisis of the self or the soul, or whatever term you prefer. I wonder if all this is worth it. In many ways, I'm on top of my game at work. I have over 4 million in external grants which is unheard of in my dept. and in many sociology departments for that matter, have 10 graduate research assistants and 5 undergrad research assistant working with me this year on the different projects, and I like my department and colleagues. And, most of this research has the potential to really positively impact people's lives. This is all great!
So, why do I think I'm having this crisis? I wish I had definitive answers. I think part of it is that with all this greatness in terms of work comes a lot of stress. I'm juggling multiple large scale projects that involve multiple people. I feel like I'm running a small corporation at times. And, the newest of the grants, which has such huge potential to positively impact a school system, is the biggest
stressor of all. I sometimes wonder if I should just tell the funding agency to take the money back. I don't know that the school system appreciates any of the hard work that we are doing. In fact, I had an out of the blue email from a key administrative person in the school system last week, basically questioning what we were doing. I just don't get it. I know they are under lots of pressures too but they have been involved in this process from the beginning when we started writing the grant proposal.
Graduate school nor my post doc ever prepared me for dealing with the administrative BS that you have to deal with in research, whether it is organizations you're working with or your own university administration.
I don't know what the answer is in terms of resolving this crisis that makes my mind churn at night when trying to sleep and most other time too. If others have advice, please feel free to share. Thanks.
